EOY 2009

Ahhh what a year.

January - Broke up with J, checking into therapy. February - Trip to Amazing Key West with Mom, still in therapy, Turn 29. March - Finally a clean bill of health, now just check ups every 6 months until Sept 2010 and we'll be good. April - May. June - Visited JD in SC, got my new place back on the West Syde. July - Family vacation up north, friends C and B get married, D and H get their new casa, J visits from AZ, bbq, drinks and noah's ark are had. August - A and H visit, another trip to noah's ark. September - Badger Football tailgating starts, Taste of Madison fun, camping to Gov Dodge. October - More tailgating, Halloween in GB, brother gets engaged. November - Book trip to Vegas, celebrate C's 4th birthday, Thanksgiving in Tomah. December - got sick and out of work three days with URI and pink eye - feel five, work holiday party is a complete success as is the after party, holidays with family - 18 inch snow storm closes Wisconsin (literally) with state wide weather blast - NYE party to ship E off to the Army in January. Looking forward to in 2010... January - Trip to Vegas, goddaughters 2nd birthday. February - 30th birthday, ski trip to Northern MI. March - bro turns 27, JF expecting. April - DS and NK expecting. June - JJ getting married, possible camping. July - SUMMER HEAT, Art fair on the square, farmers markets, noah's ark. August - ?. September - Brothers wedding. October - ? November - ? December - ?...

As you can see it's a but out there to be looking at those months but these are just SOME of what I look forward to next year. As always it's been an interesting year but without interesting years my life would be no fun. I hope to be able to stay in one place of residence more than a year (some are running out of space to change their address books) but I can't tell what life looks like that far out. I'm going to miss my friends that are moving away and continue to miss those that already have. Your lives have touch mine in ways that continue to bless me day in and day out. Without my friends I would not be who I am today as you accept me for exactly who I am and laugh when I'm stupid, support me when I'm down and listen to everything that I am. Without that I would be nothing but a sad person that felt no one accepted her. Instead I am rich with the love and laughter of those that continue to be part of my life. Someday I hope to be able to travel all over the US and visit those who mean the world to me. I look forward to starting to look for an ugly sweater for next holiday season!

Much love and all the best in 2010. LA

Santa baby....

Working on Christmas cards and starting to wrap presents. Had secret santa this week and will be "revealing" myself to my person at the holiday party tomorrow. its been a little interesting with gifting this year as it makes me recall where I was a year ago at this time, which was a completely different place than I am now. While at that time I was in a "good" place. I know now that I'm in a "good" though different place. I've got loads of great friends and one couldn't ask for more than a companion in life, and while thats something that I would love... I would only love it if it were the right thing. I've got my mini tree (real) up and decorated with a set of mutli color lights and ornaments collected over the years from trips, travels and presents. The annual Christmas camel has been set up as well as the nativity and Grandma's mini snow-couple. AND I finally get to display my stacking Lang boxes as well. Something that when I lived with the guys never felt I could do. Things are rolling. Holiday party is tomorrow. The crew is ready, I'm gonna roll with the punches. Gotta go into work which should be ok. As long as I'm able to drop the stuff @ the venue. go home get ready and then pick up the yummy yummy cakes and PAR-TAY.

December Already?

Well started out this month with a URI or Upper Respitory Infection and woke up this morning with Pink eye. Thats three days off this week that I wasn't planning on. But I have great co-workers picking up in my stead and the world has yet to fall apart there without me.

Christmas is a mere 23 days away. The work holiday party is a mere 10. Secret Santa starts Monday. I've done some Christmas shopping but seem unconcerned by the rest. I am not stressed about it for some reason. It seems most people haven't even done a list. I emailed one out and some seemed surprized about it. The larger items that I inquired on some seems surprised at. But oddly at my age and single status I have nearly everything that I want. Larger ticket items really shouldn't surprise people. I live in a stupid and only have room for so much.

On another note I discovered yesterday that my ipod has games. I now can sit in the lunch room and play games while listening to my music.

This year will be my last in my 20's. Next year starts my 30's and I do not feel old. This time next year my goddaughter will be almost 3 and have a little brother. My little brother will be married (god willing) for the second time and just over 3 months. I will have gone to Vegas for the second time in my life and taken my first ski trip. Mostly I will be one year ahead of where I am now. And I look forward to next year and all the good moments that I had this year. 2009 has flown by and they say the good ones go the fastest. I agree. I learned alot this year. Got to see many of my freinds and spend a good amount of time with each of them. Those are the memories that I treasure and hold in my heart until I get to see those people and enjoy time with them again. in the mean time in the words of Spock. "Live Long and Prosper" Now I'm going to go see if I can find my darn holiday stuff :P

Orange and Red?

So I've started Christmas shopping... ironocally the same day I started buying halloween stuff. At least I have two people done shopping for now! Thats a major bonus. But they're the easy ones... I worry about the rest of them all.

As for everything else. The Badgers beat MI State on Saturday and I definetly can't complain there. I'm having some trust issues with a few people in my life and thats a bit upsetting as well it affects my stability both professionally and personally. I hate trusting people and then having doubts. It makes me feel in adequite and makes me not want to have anything to do with a person. Not cool.

Thats all for tonight. Until next time I'm hoping to post more regularly but heck I don't even keep a journal.

Northern Vaca

3.5 hours north. fill up the car and head up! Get to the cabin and unpack. It take a little while to unwind from the whole...day to day rigamorol or go go go run run run. 6 days of no internet, roaming phones, fresh air and quiet mornings, afternoons, and fire crackling evenings. We stayed on lower gresham lake. We went there when we were kids. Haven't been back since, just me and the fam. No tv! (well three channels) It's so good when you can just unwind and forget what time it is. I haven't fished in so long. This year I bought my own pole. It's orange (my color). Crappies seemed to be the name of the game this year. With spinner lures. I'm going to have to learn to to tie knots now and get some of my own gear... or just keep using the bro's and step dad's. Another thing that I love in the north woods????!!!!! FLEA MARKETS! Oh they are so fun. lol. I get a set of 800 count sheets for $20.00 here in "the city" at any regular store you're going to pay SO much more. I also got a antique version of Pride and Prejudice (we're talking like hard cover old old old for $5 @ a rummage. LUCKY! The rest of the norm... We saw the movie "The Proposal" with the bro and his girl. Based mostly in Sitka, Alaska it made him want to go back - her want to visit - and me want to go too! It's SO beautiful in Alaska. All the same it's good to be home but it was great to be gone. It was good to think, and dream and wish and wonder again. Oddly enough I still feel like me, more than ever. Just me in my skin without someone. Now I just become me again. And stay me. And someday someone will like me as more than a friend for who I am. In the meantime I get to be me and stay happy and tell everyone to get used to it because this is me. Until next time.

Day 5

The last two months have been trying. Full of happiness and tears. Lots of fear and questions.

I said it to myself last night. I dated a wonderful man.

Even now it upsets me. Because he was wonderful. He wasn't a bad person, never did drugs, liked to drink beer and have fun with freinds, had hobbies, loves, cared for me. But when it came down to it and I asked him to be with me, he couldn't. I'll explain.

Mind you I tell this from my point of view and not his.

January - Romantical weekend in Galena. I can't take it anymore and after drinking excessively the whole time we're there I tell him I'm not happy and don't know what to do. His first question is are you breaking up with me. (This was not what I had planned) But those were the first words out of his mouth and I may have said something like "I don't know what else to do" Needless to say we check out of the hotel early and go home. I asked to be at home and relax and take breathing space yet we talk all day each day until finally Friday at work something happened on the phone and it was over. I'd been having panic attacks almost everyday and there was lots of crying. It wasn't what I wanted why was he reacting this way. He was suppose to help me be happy and work it out. That Saturday I go to get all my things out of his house at his request. I thought that he was breaking up with me. Why else would he ask me to take everything?! Since then I've not even had a toothbrush in his house.

We take a mini break of like two days. I know I overreacted, he agrees. I still want to be with him and try. I set up appointments to go see a therapist. He doesn't think that I'm depressed. Yet my girl doc and this guy say yes, mild depression, perhaps S.A.D. which is common, and it's just after the holidays.

I have a trip to Florida w/ Mom planned. He tells me I deserve it, go have fun with Mom and we'll talk when I get back. I go directly to him when I return. He's the place that I wanted to be first. The person that I wanted to see. He thought that after Florida (where I tried not to think about us at all) would show me and come back to him and we would be together. Didn't it mean anything that I wanted him to be the first person that I saw?!

Fast forward to the Wednesday before Valentines (the day after I got home). He texts me and says, Lora if you want me back...all you have to do is ask." Valentines I get a card for him and sign it "Would you give us another chance?" He says no. I don't talk to him for 6 days. He calls on my birthday and is surprised that I don't answer or call him back.

Fast forward to February 28. WICKED! Our what was suppose to be 1 year anniversary weekend. Now it's 1 year of having each other in our lives. He doesn't want to be with me but I can be the adult and be a freind. Thats hard to do when he says I look beautiful and hot and he wants to do things to me. It's confusing as hell seeing as he doesn't want to or can't be with me. Needless to say the drive involves tears because he's confusing me but dinner is nice, the show is wonderful. I look pretty. I'm wearing heels which make me feel good and I have a strong man in a suit by my side. Who wants to take me home. I wish he could spend the night but I know that he won't he has to go.

Sunday - his moving day. He says that he has enough help. He calls me telling me he's stressed to the max. I always did want to help him. I do my stuff at home (groceries, laundry etc) and head that way getting to the old house around 4. It's completely empty and I almost cry. His Mom is there and right away she give me a hug. Says it's nice to see you. He's having a rough day. Back to Monroe to go to the apartment where I help organize and set things up to what will be better for him, kitchen and bathroom. some bedroom stuff. I spend the night. We both miss each other and want to be with each other.

Monday afternoon - I call him and say lets quit the BS if you want to be with me and I want to be with you lets be together. Lets work on things! He says lets talk to night. We "talk" on gmail. Maybe yeah that was stupid but it was his choice. I tried and fought and said take what you need, if you want something do it. If you feel like a day without me take it. Please just keep me in your life is basically what I'm saying. He can't as he's scared and also feels that he needs to take the time to see what he wants and needs. The second that he says "goodbye for now" I log off and haven't talked to him since. Did he think that I could take the soul wracking sobs that occured again after I asked for him back? Did he think that I could pick up the phone again in two days and listen to how much he misses me but can't be with me? What did he think that it would be like? Did he think that I could go on in this limbo forever?! I know I said things and I know that I made mistakes but I never wanted him out of my life. I wanted to work on things and be happy with him again. It's his demons that keep him from moving forward. And trying to again be happy with me. To camp with me in the summer,teaching me to learn to ride the bike, doing things together and seperately, learning to grow and laugh again. Now I feel like I had to make the decision and set him free to learn and see what it's like to be alone. I've been alone. I highly enjoyed being with him. But it seems that there is no middle ground. I can't be with him and have the space to breath and be myself. It's to much and to scary for him. So the days go on and maybe one day he will understand what a lifetime is. That two lovers will not always like and want to be around each other but they stand on the ground that they want to be with the other person. In good and bad. Thick and thin. Calm and tough spots. They cannot imagine that person not at their side.