So I've started Christmas shopping... ironocally the same day I started buying halloween stuff. At least I have two people done shopping for now! Thats a major bonus. But they're the easy ones... I worry about the rest of them all.
As for everything else. The Badgers beat MI State on Saturday and I definetly can't complain there. I'm having some trust issues with a few people in my life and thats a bit upsetting as well it affects my stability both professionally and personally. I hate trusting people and then having doubts. It makes me feel in adequite and makes me not want to have anything to do with a person. Not cool.
Thats all for tonight. Until next time I'm hoping to post more regularly but heck I don't even keep a journal.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Northern Vaca
3.5 hours north. fill up the car and head up! Get to the cabin and unpack. It take a little while to unwind from the whole...day to day rigamorol or go go go run run run. 6 days of no internet, roaming phones, fresh air and quiet mornings, afternoons, and fire crackling evenings. We stayed on lower gresham lake. We went there when we were kids. Haven't been back since, just me and the fam. No tv! (well three channels) It's so good when you can just unwind and forget what time it is. I haven't fished in so long. This year I bought my own pole. It's orange (my color). Crappies seemed to be the name of the game this year. With spinner lures. I'm going to have to learn to to tie knots now and get some of my own gear... or just keep using the bro's and step dad's. Another thing that I love in the north woods????!!!!! FLEA MARKETS! Oh they are so fun. lol. I get a set of 800 count sheets for $20.00 here in "the city" at any regular store you're going to pay SO much more. I also got a antique version of Pride and Prejudice (we're talking like hard cover old old old for $5 @ a rummage. LUCKY! The rest of the norm... We saw the movie "The Proposal" with the bro and his girl. Based mostly in Sitka, Alaska it made him want to go back - her want to visit - and me want to go too! It's SO beautiful in Alaska. All the same it's good to be home but it was great to be gone. It was good to think, and dream and wish and wonder again. Oddly enough I still feel like me, more than ever. Just me in my skin without someone. Now I just become me again. And stay me. And someday someone will like me as more than a friend for who I am. In the meantime I get to be me and stay happy and tell everyone to get used to it because this is me. Until next time.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Day 5
The last two months have been trying. Full of happiness and tears. Lots of fear and questions.
I said it to myself last night. I dated a wonderful man.
Even now it upsets me. Because he was wonderful. He wasn't a bad person, never did drugs, liked to drink beer and have fun with freinds, had hobbies, loves, cared for me. But when it came down to it and I asked him to be with me, he couldn't. I'll explain.
Mind you I tell this from my point of view and not his.
January - Romantical weekend in Galena. I can't take it anymore and after drinking excessively the whole time we're there I tell him I'm not happy and don't know what to do. His first question is are you breaking up with me. (This was not what I had planned) But those were the first words out of his mouth and I may have said something like "I don't know what else to do" Needless to say we check out of the hotel early and go home. I asked to be at home and relax and take breathing space yet we talk all day each day until finally Friday at work something happened on the phone and it was over. I'd been having panic attacks almost everyday and there was lots of crying. It wasn't what I wanted why was he reacting this way. He was suppose to help me be happy and work it out. That Saturday I go to get all my things out of his house at his request. I thought that he was breaking up with me. Why else would he ask me to take everything?! Since then I've not even had a toothbrush in his house.
We take a mini break of like two days. I know I overreacted, he agrees. I still want to be with him and try. I set up appointments to go see a therapist. He doesn't think that I'm depressed. Yet my girl doc and this guy say yes, mild depression, perhaps S.A.D. which is common, and it's just after the holidays.
I have a trip to Florida w/ Mom planned. He tells me I deserve it, go have fun with Mom and we'll talk when I get back. I go directly to him when I return. He's the place that I wanted to be first. The person that I wanted to see. He thought that after Florida (where I tried not to think about us at all) would show me and come back to him and we would be together. Didn't it mean anything that I wanted him to be the first person that I saw?!
Fast forward to the Wednesday before Valentines (the day after I got home). He texts me and says, Lora if you want me back...all you have to do is ask." Valentines I get a card for him and sign it "Would you give us another chance?" He says no. I don't talk to him for 6 days. He calls on my birthday and is surprised that I don't answer or call him back.
Fast forward to February 28. WICKED! Our what was suppose to be 1 year anniversary weekend. Now it's 1 year of having each other in our lives. He doesn't want to be with me but I can be the adult and be a freind. Thats hard to do when he says I look beautiful and hot and he wants to do things to me. It's confusing as hell seeing as he doesn't want to or can't be with me. Needless to say the drive involves tears because he's confusing me but dinner is nice, the show is wonderful. I look pretty. I'm wearing heels which make me feel good and I have a strong man in a suit by my side. Who wants to take me home. I wish he could spend the night but I know that he won't he has to go.
Sunday - his moving day. He says that he has enough help. He calls me telling me he's stressed to the max. I always did want to help him. I do my stuff at home (groceries, laundry etc) and head that way getting to the old house around 4. It's completely empty and I almost cry. His Mom is there and right away she give me a hug. Says it's nice to see you. He's having a rough day. Back to Monroe to go to the apartment where I help organize and set things up to what will be better for him, kitchen and bathroom. some bedroom stuff. I spend the night. We both miss each other and want to be with each other.
Monday afternoon - I call him and say lets quit the BS if you want to be with me and I want to be with you lets be together. Lets work on things! He says lets talk to night. We "talk" on gmail. Maybe yeah that was stupid but it was his choice. I tried and fought and said take what you need, if you want something do it. If you feel like a day without me take it. Please just keep me in your life is basically what I'm saying. He can't as he's scared and also feels that he needs to take the time to see what he wants and needs. The second that he says "goodbye for now" I log off and haven't talked to him since. Did he think that I could take the soul wracking sobs that occured again after I asked for him back? Did he think that I could pick up the phone again in two days and listen to how much he misses me but can't be with me? What did he think that it would be like? Did he think that I could go on in this limbo forever?! I know I said things and I know that I made mistakes but I never wanted him out of my life. I wanted to work on things and be happy with him again. It's his demons that keep him from moving forward. And trying to again be happy with me. To camp with me in the summer,teaching me to learn to ride the bike, doing things together and seperately, learning to grow and laugh again. Now I feel like I had to make the decision and set him free to learn and see what it's like to be alone. I've been alone. I highly enjoyed being with him. But it seems that there is no middle ground. I can't be with him and have the space to breath and be myself. It's to much and to scary for him. So the days go on and maybe one day he will understand what a lifetime is. That two lovers will not always like and want to be around each other but they stand on the ground that they want to be with the other person. In good and bad. Thick and thin. Calm and tough spots. They cannot imagine that person not at their side.
I said it to myself last night. I dated a wonderful man.
Even now it upsets me. Because he was wonderful. He wasn't a bad person, never did drugs, liked to drink beer and have fun with freinds, had hobbies, loves, cared for me. But when it came down to it and I asked him to be with me, he couldn't. I'll explain.
Mind you I tell this from my point of view and not his.
January - Romantical weekend in Galena. I can't take it anymore and after drinking excessively the whole time we're there I tell him I'm not happy and don't know what to do. His first question is are you breaking up with me. (This was not what I had planned) But those were the first words out of his mouth and I may have said something like "I don't know what else to do" Needless to say we check out of the hotel early and go home. I asked to be at home and relax and take breathing space yet we talk all day each day until finally Friday at work something happened on the phone and it was over. I'd been having panic attacks almost everyday and there was lots of crying. It wasn't what I wanted why was he reacting this way. He was suppose to help me be happy and work it out. That Saturday I go to get all my things out of his house at his request. I thought that he was breaking up with me. Why else would he ask me to take everything?! Since then I've not even had a toothbrush in his house.
We take a mini break of like two days. I know I overreacted, he agrees. I still want to be with him and try. I set up appointments to go see a therapist. He doesn't think that I'm depressed. Yet my girl doc and this guy say yes, mild depression, perhaps S.A.D. which is common, and it's just after the holidays.
I have a trip to Florida w/ Mom planned. He tells me I deserve it, go have fun with Mom and we'll talk when I get back. I go directly to him when I return. He's the place that I wanted to be first. The person that I wanted to see. He thought that after Florida (where I tried not to think about us at all) would show me and come back to him and we would be together. Didn't it mean anything that I wanted him to be the first person that I saw?!
Fast forward to the Wednesday before Valentines (the day after I got home). He texts me and says, Lora if you want me back...all you have to do is ask." Valentines I get a card for him and sign it "Would you give us another chance?" He says no. I don't talk to him for 6 days. He calls on my birthday and is surprised that I don't answer or call him back.
Fast forward to February 28. WICKED! Our what was suppose to be 1 year anniversary weekend. Now it's 1 year of having each other in our lives. He doesn't want to be with me but I can be the adult and be a freind. Thats hard to do when he says I look beautiful and hot and he wants to do things to me. It's confusing as hell seeing as he doesn't want to or can't be with me. Needless to say the drive involves tears because he's confusing me but dinner is nice, the show is wonderful. I look pretty. I'm wearing heels which make me feel good and I have a strong man in a suit by my side. Who wants to take me home. I wish he could spend the night but I know that he won't he has to go.
Sunday - his moving day. He says that he has enough help. He calls me telling me he's stressed to the max. I always did want to help him. I do my stuff at home (groceries, laundry etc) and head that way getting to the old house around 4. It's completely empty and I almost cry. His Mom is there and right away she give me a hug. Says it's nice to see you. He's having a rough day. Back to Monroe to go to the apartment where I help organize and set things up to what will be better for him, kitchen and bathroom. some bedroom stuff. I spend the night. We both miss each other and want to be with each other.
Monday afternoon - I call him and say lets quit the BS if you want to be with me and I want to be with you lets be together. Lets work on things! He says lets talk to night. We "talk" on gmail. Maybe yeah that was stupid but it was his choice. I tried and fought and said take what you need, if you want something do it. If you feel like a day without me take it. Please just keep me in your life is basically what I'm saying. He can't as he's scared and also feels that he needs to take the time to see what he wants and needs. The second that he says "goodbye for now" I log off and haven't talked to him since. Did he think that I could take the soul wracking sobs that occured again after I asked for him back? Did he think that I could pick up the phone again in two days and listen to how much he misses me but can't be with me? What did he think that it would be like? Did he think that I could go on in this limbo forever?! I know I said things and I know that I made mistakes but I never wanted him out of my life. I wanted to work on things and be happy with him again. It's his demons that keep him from moving forward. And trying to again be happy with me. To camp with me in the summer,teaching me to learn to ride the bike, doing things together and seperately, learning to grow and laugh again. Now I feel like I had to make the decision and set him free to learn and see what it's like to be alone. I've been alone. I highly enjoyed being with him. But it seems that there is no middle ground. I can't be with him and have the space to breath and be myself. It's to much and to scary for him. So the days go on and maybe one day he will understand what a lifetime is. That two lovers will not always like and want to be around each other but they stand on the ground that they want to be with the other person. In good and bad. Thick and thin. Calm and tough spots. They cannot imagine that person not at their side.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
CleanChristmas
A clean bill of health. FINALLY. No more infection, it is gone-zo!
Un-beleiveable. I got it back in July and no according to the tests it's gone. LOL I've grown so accustumed to having it.
Christmas is around the corner and I'm not ready to pick up and start thinking about setting up the tree. I've started to get minor items, but I still can't get in the mood to actually wrap things and set up the tree. We've had to at work already as well as starting to plan secret santa and final preparations for the holiday party too. But luckily enough black friday was last weekend and I finished most of my shopping! YAY!
Un-beleiveable. I got it back in July and no according to the tests it's gone. LOL I've grown so accustumed to having it.
Christmas is around the corner and I'm not ready to pick up and start thinking about setting up the tree. I've started to get minor items, but I still can't get in the mood to actually wrap things and set up the tree. We've had to at work already as well as starting to plan secret santa and final preparations for the holiday party too. But luckily enough black friday was last weekend and I finished most of my shopping! YAY!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
NON- VEGAS Vacation
OK, So I was off for 7 days and it felt like two weeks! That's awesome :)
So I spent the first three days with my boyfriend doing whatever we wanted or didn't want to do because we both had off which almost never happens. Went over to see Granny and take her out to lunch while Dad was in Mexico. Hung a couple pictures in her "new" place and had a good visit. Came home did a little shopping in the Madison area then went to his house. The next night was dinner with his parents and aunt and uncle. Phew passed another test! On the way there (Dubuque) the spring in his car broke. And I guess now the struts are bad too, not sure what he's going to do there. Saturday was nice. We sat at home eating popcorn and watching movies. Sunday he went back to work and I grocery shopped and went to bible study.
The next three days were spent without him, perfectly OK as we talked most nights.
Monday was me me me day and lunch with mom at noodles downtown. I wasn't impressed with my noodles, to overcooked :(. Tuesday was shopping in the dells with friend Deborah. We shopped for ourselves and all ages of little munchkins. Had lunch and were still home by 5. Seven hours of shopping was enough. Wednesday was a sleep in/lazy day. Saw the movie "The Secret Life of Bees" good flick with Carol and Grace followed up by dinner at Hubbard Avenue Diner. So good to catch up with the mother daughter duo I haven't seen them since I think it was March :P And now it's back to work. 2.5 days until the weekend. It'll be nice to see everyone again. I was saying Monday that I miss everyone but not the work so I'm not ready to go back. After working a 1/2 day this weekend it'll be off to spend some time with Josh and then his nephews birthday party...at a bowling alley! And talk with mom, Karen, about the specifics of Josh's 30th birthday party. I always tell him he's an old man.
More next week I'm sure! tt4n - Lora
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
White coats
Don't ever get an intestinal infection. It's a tough one to kick! We're looking at anything from a week to three months. But hey I'm better than I was. More later when I have more time. Tonight, I clean the house!! Woo hoo
Monday, September 15, 2008
like it!
Wow. Got a nice weekend behind me. Sending cards to my ma, don and two joshuas. My friend, joshua's grandfather passed away today. It was sudden and unexpected. I'm sad for him as over the last month my own grandmother has not been doing so well. I have plans to see her next weekend in my head but sometimes thats just not the way that it goes. This last weekend it was cold and rainy. A trip to the farmers market brought fresh yummy veggies. Cucumbers, zuchini, peppers, peas, cilantro, tomotos, lettuce, beets, koharbi, and apples! I can't wait to try those!!!! Yummies. Needless to say this week will be salads for lunch with all sorts of fresh veggies and yummies. My moms came out and we had dinner at the great dane friday night. mmmm fish fry. Saturday was the farmers market followed by pedicures and lunch followed by mom getting like 13 inches of hair cut off!! Then I came home and relaxed. Ha ha napped from like 5-630. Packed and headed to joshuas. Sunday we bowled. 115 131 and 99. Seeing as I'm finally feeling better I think that was the heaviest thing that I've lifted in quite a while. LOL :( It's sad actually. My energy is coming back. We like to take walks at night. For some reason he likes to walk after dark lol. Anywho. After bowling we came home to cook. And cook we do. A double batch of brownies in the oven. Marinated pork chops. roasted zuchini and potates. Grilled peppers, stuffed with rice and corn. PLUS salads with apples, zuchini, olives and vinigrette. Follow that with brownies and frozen moose tracks.
Fall is coming. The chill is in the air. Nights are cool and then warm the next. Winter will be here before we know it. I must get a sled this year! It's crazy to think about Christmas already. LOL.
This month apple picking and the comedy club.
Next month VEGAS!!!!!
Fall is coming. The chill is in the air. Nights are cool and then warm the next. Winter will be here before we know it. I must get a sled this year! It's crazy to think about Christmas already. LOL.
This month apple picking and the comedy club.
Next month VEGAS!!!!!
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