Day 5

The last two months have been trying. Full of happiness and tears. Lots of fear and questions.

I said it to myself last night. I dated a wonderful man.

Even now it upsets me. Because he was wonderful. He wasn't a bad person, never did drugs, liked to drink beer and have fun with freinds, had hobbies, loves, cared for me. But when it came down to it and I asked him to be with me, he couldn't. I'll explain.

Mind you I tell this from my point of view and not his.

January - Romantical weekend in Galena. I can't take it anymore and after drinking excessively the whole time we're there I tell him I'm not happy and don't know what to do. His first question is are you breaking up with me. (This was not what I had planned) But those were the first words out of his mouth and I may have said something like "I don't know what else to do" Needless to say we check out of the hotel early and go home. I asked to be at home and relax and take breathing space yet we talk all day each day until finally Friday at work something happened on the phone and it was over. I'd been having panic attacks almost everyday and there was lots of crying. It wasn't what I wanted why was he reacting this way. He was suppose to help me be happy and work it out. That Saturday I go to get all my things out of his house at his request. I thought that he was breaking up with me. Why else would he ask me to take everything?! Since then I've not even had a toothbrush in his house.

We take a mini break of like two days. I know I overreacted, he agrees. I still want to be with him and try. I set up appointments to go see a therapist. He doesn't think that I'm depressed. Yet my girl doc and this guy say yes, mild depression, perhaps S.A.D. which is common, and it's just after the holidays.

I have a trip to Florida w/ Mom planned. He tells me I deserve it, go have fun with Mom and we'll talk when I get back. I go directly to him when I return. He's the place that I wanted to be first. The person that I wanted to see. He thought that after Florida (where I tried not to think about us at all) would show me and come back to him and we would be together. Didn't it mean anything that I wanted him to be the first person that I saw?!

Fast forward to the Wednesday before Valentines (the day after I got home). He texts me and says, Lora if you want me back...all you have to do is ask." Valentines I get a card for him and sign it "Would you give us another chance?" He says no. I don't talk to him for 6 days. He calls on my birthday and is surprised that I don't answer or call him back.

Fast forward to February 28. WICKED! Our what was suppose to be 1 year anniversary weekend. Now it's 1 year of having each other in our lives. He doesn't want to be with me but I can be the adult and be a freind. Thats hard to do when he says I look beautiful and hot and he wants to do things to me. It's confusing as hell seeing as he doesn't want to or can't be with me. Needless to say the drive involves tears because he's confusing me but dinner is nice, the show is wonderful. I look pretty. I'm wearing heels which make me feel good and I have a strong man in a suit by my side. Who wants to take me home. I wish he could spend the night but I know that he won't he has to go.

Sunday - his moving day. He says that he has enough help. He calls me telling me he's stressed to the max. I always did want to help him. I do my stuff at home (groceries, laundry etc) and head that way getting to the old house around 4. It's completely empty and I almost cry. His Mom is there and right away she give me a hug. Says it's nice to see you. He's having a rough day. Back to Monroe to go to the apartment where I help organize and set things up to what will be better for him, kitchen and bathroom. some bedroom stuff. I spend the night. We both miss each other and want to be with each other.

Monday afternoon - I call him and say lets quit the BS if you want to be with me and I want to be with you lets be together. Lets work on things! He says lets talk to night. We "talk" on gmail. Maybe yeah that was stupid but it was his choice. I tried and fought and said take what you need, if you want something do it. If you feel like a day without me take it. Please just keep me in your life is basically what I'm saying. He can't as he's scared and also feels that he needs to take the time to see what he wants and needs. The second that he says "goodbye for now" I log off and haven't talked to him since. Did he think that I could take the soul wracking sobs that occured again after I asked for him back? Did he think that I could pick up the phone again in two days and listen to how much he misses me but can't be with me? What did he think that it would be like? Did he think that I could go on in this limbo forever?! I know I said things and I know that I made mistakes but I never wanted him out of my life. I wanted to work on things and be happy with him again. It's his demons that keep him from moving forward. And trying to again be happy with me. To camp with me in the summer,teaching me to learn to ride the bike, doing things together and seperately, learning to grow and laugh again. Now I feel like I had to make the decision and set him free to learn and see what it's like to be alone. I've been alone. I highly enjoyed being with him. But it seems that there is no middle ground. I can't be with him and have the space to breath and be myself. It's to much and to scary for him. So the days go on and maybe one day he will understand what a lifetime is. That two lovers will not always like and want to be around each other but they stand on the ground that they want to be with the other person. In good and bad. Thick and thin. Calm and tough spots. They cannot imagine that person not at their side.